I'm (not) happy because..

[Cait]

Oh Rose, that's terrible that you've gone through so much pain for so long, and they still don't know what's going on! They should have checked for an ulcer months ago. I hope the gastroscopy goes well, and I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry too much as the added stress will make you feel a lot worse. Wishing you all the best for the 18th, and sending positive vibes your way! *big hugs*

[The Phantom Lady]

Thanks Cait! At least I know it's only going to take about 10 minutes and I'm a pretty tough girl so I bet it's gonna be fine...

I'm just not impressed with my doctor... While she's done a lot for my mental well-being this has just been a bit too much... I have a feeling if I didn't use my acting skills and practically whined last time I saw her telling her how tired I was of all of this and how it made my world fall apart and all that stuff she would have put it off again...

I like my doctor as a person and I trust her with my dark secrets but I don't trust her to treat my body, good thing I will have to change doctors in August when I move

[The Phantom Lady]

Ugh, it's Fathers Day tomorrow...

I am coming to terms with not ever having had a father and that I never will... but Fathers day bothers me more than it should... like today they were talking about what they were giving their fathers tomorrow... Luckily no one asked me (they don't know me there)... people just seem to assume we all have a father somewhere, I don't, I may have a person somewhere who provided the semen but he will never, EVER earn the title of father...

Its just like the first Christmas I knew my best friend and we were out shopping for presents together and we were talking about what to give to who and she points at this shaving thing and asks me if I shouldn't give that to my father... my friend is Blonde in every sense of the word and didn't mean no harm but it still hurts

Ugh, I need to grow up




EDIT; I feel a bit better now I wrote a silly pem

Excuse my lack of talent


"Because..."

I am changing,
In a second I won’t be me,
But you don’t know who I’ll be,
Because you weren’t there for the me who used to be

Should we ever meet,
We’d be far too estranged
And maybe that is for the best
Because this way none of us will end up more hurt…

You are nothing more than a distant song,
Far from a memory, a thought perhaps,
I know I will never know you,
Because you never wanted to know me at all…

I used to be angry,
I couldn’t and I wouldn’t understand this,
But I am over that now
Because I know I will never comprehend

I have tried so many things
Tried to replace you,
Put others where you should have been
Because let’s face the truth, it’s a human need…

So Happy Fathers Day
To a stranger far from me,
From a stranger far from thee
Because you chose not to care…

[bunnie24]

I'm not happy because I just realized that all my friends are a bunch of $l*ts!!

they're all pregnant with guys who are awful and terrible and will probably leave them when their 'kid' pops out.

and it pisses me off that they expect me to be happy when I can't; knowing that in 9 months time they're going to be running to me going "I need help!"

...it's like, I told you...and you didn't listen. I'm always right! And you know it!

*punches locker*

sorry...just needed to vent.

[Zombiekitten]

Bloody Rose... I think your poem is very deep and touching. And I always thought that using art is a form to digest problems, thoughts and other mental and emotional issues one has. It's like therapy.

I think to create something really good and meaningful and touching there has to be a certain emotional drive behind it. No matter if negative things like hate, suffering etc or strong positive things like love or lust.
So feel free to express whatever thoughts you have in writings.



Bunnie, please vent to your hearts content. I can feel with you btw... I sure don't want to judge anyones life, but I don't understand either why people are raising a family when the parents don't love eachother or treat themselves awfully. That's not the kind of home a child would feel happy growing up with...

[bunnie24]

It just pisses me off that they find these guys who are 'gangstas' or obvious players and then after like one date they start having baby making sex...and yeah...


and then these guys bail, and then these girls wonder where they went wrong...and I'm all "...maybe cause you were dating 25 Cent?"

seriously!

[The Phantom Lady]

That's awful about your friends Bunnie, and from my perspective I'm really worried for their children...

I can only hope those boys will turn around but the odds of them leaving like you said are just too great, which is so, so sad!

Our generation, it scares me to hear and see these things

[Cait]

Rose, I just read your poem, and it is indeed very touching. There really is something so therapeutic about writing. I did lots of it in my teenage years.

Bunnie, believe me, I know what you're talking about! It makes me sick, too. There's so much of that going on here where I live, but I suppose it happens everywhere. These poor babies that are being born into such situations, it just isn't right.

[Zombiekitten]

I can understand you Bunnie... UGH... How irresponsible of certain people to not do safer sex and bring babies into the world without even thinking about the consequences !! And to have babies with such arseholes... can't understand these girls...

[bunnie24]

yeah! I know...and then these girls are like "sex is so much fun...why don't YOU try it?"

and I'm all '...because men fear me."

but yeah, my generation is full of brats and I think at the rate it's all going, I'll end up alone cause i don't want to put out on like the first eye contact. y'know?

[Cait]

Good for you, Bunnie. No girl should put out on the first eye contact, but obviously so many do. I'm like you, I refuse to do anything like that. Maybe that's why I'm still single as well, but if that's what it comes down to, I think I'd rather be!

[The Phantom Lady]

I'm unhappy because of my best friend... I just want to shake her, slap her a few times...

She's in what seems like a healthy relationship with her boyfriend... I know it's not, she was never sure she wanted to spend her life with him etc...

The other day she texted me saying she was so sick of this one guy (not her boyfriend) because she had been stupid and slept with him and he didn't get a hint and now people where she and her boyfriend works are starting to talk... Then yesterday she sends me a text revealing she's done it again because she just has to get out how weird it is knowing the man you just had sex with last had sex with a guy...

I feel like telling her if she's doing stuff like that she should leave her boyfriend at once, but I just fear she will be all mad at me because I'm adding to the pressure on her when her family isn't approving of him because he's not a Mormon like they are

*deep breath*

[The Phantom Lady]

I am so annoyed

My doctor has set me up with free treatments for my eating disorder and cutting, something I really need help with...

I got my first appointment on the 12th of June, a date I had to cancel because there is no way I could travel to the place its at with my money and my aunt really wanted to take me but couldn't on that particular day...

I have now received my new appointment, August 15th... which is perfect because at that time I will be living near the hospital... Only problem is it will be my 3rd day of Secretary school and at 9am... I do not want to skip school and not that soon either...

Ugh, I'm never going to get help am I?

[Alisa]

@ Bloody Rose: I think a medical appointment is a good enough reason to skip a couple of hours of school, even when it's not an acute physical thing. If you tell the teacher(s) conducting the lessons that day that you have a doctor's appointment, I'm quite sure they would give you the material to study at home? Or a summary of the lessons afterwards. Sure it's very early in the semester, but you haven't chosen the date, and if you skip it, the next opportunity might be after months. I suppose all people(including teachers) know how long people have to wait for non-acute(or whatever it is in english?) doctor's appointments. I think you shouldn't cancel it, but it's just my opinion.
I don't know everything about you and your life, so I feel kind of invalid to advice you, and you make your own decisions anyway. I just had to wait for two months to get one tendon fixed, and before that I had to wait 5 weeks to get the date for the operation, so I can relate to your situation of not knowing when you're getting help. But our situations aren't comparable, since mine was physical and yours is mental. I suppose not knowing is even worse for you. I hope you get everything sorted out. You seem stable, sensible, thoughtful and friendly to me. You don't take it out on others by being rude when you're going through rough times. Instead you open up about it. I think that's very healthy. You deserve to get help when you need it.

Edit: Damn... That came out as very paternalistic. I really didn't mean it to. It's just that I'm not so fluent in english, so i feel I have to overly explain all my points in fear of being misunderstood. That can make it sound like I was thinking I'm talking to a child. So yeah, my fear of being misunderstood and being considered rude or impolite is making me sound exactly that.

[Cait]

This is so ridiculous, but I'm feeling incredibly nervous about my graduation tomorrow, and the awards ceremony beforehand. I don't know why walking across the floor and collecting an award/diploma is scaring me so much, but I'm afraid that I'll fall in front of everyone.

Also, the guy I've had this silly little girl crush on all year, is going to be there of course. That's only making my fear worse, lol. Ugggh.