Jackson as a pet....

[sybl]

My friend was the one who gave me the idea...and it kind of went from there. Tell me what you think?

[sybl]

Care of Jackson Rippner

Tools: One Frankenstein pen-shaped squirt bottle
Papers: Jackson adoption certificate, Jackson immunization record, manual
Kits:
Tranquilizer kit: one bottle of alcohol-based sedative
Bath kit: contains 1 pair of handcuffs, one special shampoo and conditioner, one sponge, one toothbrush, one giant towel.
Wedding kit: two wedding rings, one for Jackson, one for you, a suit for Jackson.
Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of a Jackson Rippner. Please read this manual carefully before you attempt to take Jackson out of his cage. At the present, he will probably be cranky from being put in the cage and won’t understand the change of environment. He will likely attack any unfamiliar being. To avoid any injuries (and voiding the warranty), we strongly suggest that you read the manual first.

Basic Care Instructions:

Jackson will probably be rattling the bars of his cages and issuing undesirable growls. Do not attempt to let him out. An angry Jackson loose in the home tends to be quite destructive. Make sure you wait until Jackson stops rattling the bars and becomes quiet. Then, uncap the bottle of tranquilizer (don’t be alarmed if it smells like alcohol, that’s perfectly normal) and carefully slide the bottle into the cage. Don’t make any sudden movements and don’t linger too close to the cage. You must wait for the sedative to take effect.
First, you will need a place for Jackson to sleep. We suggest that you give Jackson his own bed first (a couch or air mattress can make do if you don’t have an available guest room) before you try having him sleep in yours. Make sure there are clean sheets and a blanket so that he’ll be nice and warm at night. Once you have given him a place to sleep, turn the opening of the cage towards the bed. Gradually, Jackson will get used to seeing it.
The next thing you should do is make sure you’ve got food for Jackson. Warning: do not try to feed him right away. In our labs while we were experimenting with Cillian clones to try and produce Jacksons, some of the breeds developed different food preferences. The more genetically similar that the Jackson is to a Cillian, the less likely he is to eat meat. It would be better if you ate it in front of him without offering him any first to see if it bothers him. Any other food (no, that does not count the scary stuff in the back of your fridge does NOT count) will probably be acceptable.
Once Jackson appears to get sleepy, carefully open the door of the cage and back away. He will probably take his time getting out of the cage, so don’t force him. Eventually, he will probably drag himself out of the cage and lie down on the bed. Make sure you approach him slowly and make sure he can see you coming. If he seems to object to you coming closer, don’t. Back up and give him some space. Some indicators of discomfort include scanning the room for exits and trying to sit up. You can safely touch your Jackson when he doesn’t move at all if you get closer.
It is unadvisable to touch anywhere but the hands or the back. A gentle pat or stroke will be comforting, but do not move your hands anywhere near his throat. Jacksons are extremely sensitive in this area and will probably punch, bite, scratch, kick, or impale you with something if you try to touch there. At this point, do not touch his head, either. Keep your touches light until he gets accustomed to them. Do not leave Jackson unattended, even when he is sleeping for the first few hours.
When Jackson’s sedative wears off in eight to ten hours, he will become more alert and curious about his surroundings. Make sure you have put away all sharp objects where he can’t get to them. Jackson is naturally curious and will probably look for something to play with. Most Jacksons love computers or other electronic equipment, so having old computers or discarded cell phones for him to take apart and play with will easily entertain him. He will probably create cameras or other useful spying equipment if given time. A punching bag and a pair of boxing gloves is great exercise and improves Jackson’s mood by reducing aggression. During the first twenty-four hours, however, he might not be very playful and will stare continually out the window muttering. Be sure to give him lots of praise and assurance that you will take care of him.

[alwaysxlove]

thats adorable.

i want one now.
D:

[sybl]

Cilly bar for you because you replied. ;D More instructions coming up!

[sybl]

Okay...*wipes sweat off of forehead* more instructions:


Each Jackson comes with a patented disciplining tool shaped like a Frankenstein pen. Don’t worry, this is not to be applied as seen on TV (our company would be engulfed in civil cases if it were). The pen actually squirts water! To use the pen, fill with water and simply press the button on the side. It shoots a stream of water up to four feet. Aim at the face or hands. Cold water is preferable because it gets Jackson’s attention very quickly.
Don’t use the pen unless necessary. Here are a few suggested behaviors that require the pen:

Excessive swearing or manhandling houseguests
Head-butting
Making people cry by scaring them
Trying to use knives for something other than chopping or peeling vegetables.
Trying to take people’s phones away

In the event that you must use the pen, aim and click once. The resulting spray will surprise Jackson and cause him to stop whatever he’s doing. If he continues, keep squirting him until he notices the Frankenstein head on the pen and relents. DO NOT shake the pen in a threatening manner, especially if the end is pointing at him. This will cause psychological damage and we do not accept mentally damaged Jacksons back.

What abilities your Jackson develops depends on genetics, environment, level of praise, and availability of new things to try. For instance, a Jackson that is genetically closer to a Cillian will sometimes demonstrate unusual musical talents and enjoys playing guitar. To encourage this ability, you could get him his own guitar and smile when you listen to him play. Jackson will respond very well to attention despite the fact that he doesn’t show it. If you get a Jackson that is more inclined towards the one in the movie, he will probably have a good eye for surveillance and technology as well as weapons. He could probably figure out ways to rewire cameras so that they work better or sharpen the kitchen knives. If there is a dartboard or an unwanted poster, he could probably practice throwing them (as long as you specify that this is what its used for). In this case, Jackson could be very valuable as a bodyguard as well as a pet. It is important, however, that you remember that they aren’t all going to be the same and that each ability is unique.

[DYSE]

Oh my, this is funny. I love the part where you describe when Jackson should be sprayed with his little squirty pen thing. :-)

[sybl]

Cilly bar for you-2 replies? I thought I'd get more than that. Well, more instructions coming up next.

[sybl]

Bathing

Each Jackson already comes house-trained (pity on those whose job THAT was), but bathing is a different story. Maybe Jackson comes home from having gotten loose and he’s covered in blood or you want to show him off to your friends and want him to look nice. This is a job for the bathing kit.
The first thing you might want to do is fill up the tub first. Fill it up with warm water, but not too full. If you want to wash his hair, fill a pitcher with warm water, too. This will save you the trouble later.
Most Jacksons respond very well to baths and may even learn to enjoy them without the handcuffs later on, but for the first time, here is the proven most effective way:
While Jackson is distracted, unbutton his shirt. If he has one on that can’t be unbuttoned, tickle him in the ribs. When he pulls his arms back to try and fight you off, yank the shirt off in one quick motion and handcuff his hands behind his back. He probably won’t like this at all, so be prepared. Steer him towards the bathroom, making sure you are behind him at all times. If and when he really starts to struggle, pin him against the counter or the sink. Unbutton and unzip the pants, yank them down and toss them aside. Now that Jackson has been stripped, steer him towards the tub. This is the fun part.
Once his feet are in the tub, wrap your arm around his waist and tug him firmly down. Be careful not to let him fall on his butt or you might break it. A bath pillow strategically placed would make things much easier. While he is still surprised and delayed from fighting back, pour the pitcher over his head to wet his hair. He probably won’t like that, either. Don’t panic if he growls at you, just make sure you lift the hair out of his face. Squeeze a small amount of shampoo into the palm of your hand and gently massage into the hair, being careful that the lather doesn’t drip into his eyes, otherwise it will make him even crankier. The scalp massage will most likely relax Jackson so that he doesn’t try so hard to escape. He might even relax completely and close his eyes. Carefully tip his head back while rinsing his hair to control the direction of the water and the suds. Apply the conditioner.
While the conditioner does its job, use the sponge to bathe him. Be careful, though, that beautiful complexion is delicate! Don’t scrub too hard. Rinse thoroughly all over and help Jackson out of the tub. He probably won’t be very happy with you at the moment, so don’t rub too hard with the towel. It might be better if you left those handcuffs on for a minute or two. Lay out Jackson’s clean clothes on his bed, unlock the cuffs and leave the room. When you return, Jackson will be staring at you in disbelief as his hair dries and plotting his revenge.

[sybl]

Meanwhile, at the Jackson pet store:

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNGG! RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNGG!

"Questions department, how may I help you?"
"Yes, I seem to have a little problem with the bath situation. I don't have a bathtub, all I have is a shower. How do I wash him, then?"
Pause.
"Well, you could put on a bathing suit and step into the shower with him. I'd use some of the sedative if I were you, though. He can't hit you, but he could still headbutt."
Pause.
"Can you connect me with the Purchases office? I'm going to need a lot of it."
"Don't overdose him or he'll get drunk!"
"Who said Jackson was going to drink all of it?! Some of it's for me!"

[DYSE]

Hahaha. Wow. The bathing thing... I could follow those instructions until about actually having to put him in the tub. ;D

[sybl]

*tosses Cillian bar to DYSE* Yeah, I had lots of fun writing this.

[sybl]

Okay: last chapter of the manual *breaks out the champagne and loud music*

Sickness and cures

Uh-oh. Something’s not quite right. Jackson is acting weird and his cheeks seem flushed. He shows no interest in his usual activities (wait, he hasn’t touched my camera phone all morning?) and is laying in bed at two in the afternoon. Here are the possible symptoms and illnesses:

Red Eye Fever:

Symptoms: raspy breath, reddening of the throat scar, frequent nightmares, rapid heartbeat, paranoia of pens.
Treatment: put away all the pens in your house. Allow Jackson to stay in bed and make sure he has plenty to drink (DO NOT GIVE HIM A BAYBREEZE) and keep his sleeping space dark so that he can sleep. Make sure you have a lot of patience and a lot of love because he will likely hallucinate and get very scared. The symptoms should disappear within 24-48 hours. An ice pack on the throat might ease the discomfort. If the symptoms persist, call our specialized Jackson medic (1-800-LUV-JACK) and she will send the specialized antibiotics via overnight express. Red Eye fever is not lethal, but it is a serious aggravation.

Excessive Grudge disorder:

Symptoms: absolute hatred of the name “Lisa” to the point of nearly killing your best friend (whose name is Lisa)

Treatment: this is a psychological problem, so it is wiser to call one of our therapists at the number above. Failure to do so might result in violent behavior.

Social Claustrophobia:

Symptoms: trying to escape your friends, constantly searching for a dark corner to hide in, excessive wheezing in a crowded room, violent behavior towards strangers

Treatment: Jackson might just be a little overtaxed. Tell all your friends to go home and stop trying to kiss him. Remove the knife from his hand and put it back in the kitchen. Then, let him have the remote control for the TV and fix him a drink. The wheezing should stop soon. Allow one week of rest before having parties at your house.

Make sure that all illnesses are followed with plenty of rest and plenty of nonalcoholic fluids. Reintroduce activities gradually, but put him back on bed rest if he shows any recurring signs of illness.


Domestic life:

So, you’ve stuck it out and trained your Jackson all the do’s and don’ts of yours and your friends’ households and you want to make him an equal (rather, let your natural instincts take over). Keep in mind that this may work or it may not. I’m sure you’ve been talking to Jackson constantly and you know him fairly well, right? (or at least you think you do). Here are some steps to take:
Move his bed closer to yours. Do it slowly, though. Eventually, put his bed right next to yours. Then, eventually put them both together. Eventually, Jackson will get so used to sleeping in bed with you that he won’t even notice that the other bed is gone.
Move his plate closer to yours on the table.
Once Jackson is used to being hugged, try to kiss him or sit in his lap. If you have more than one Jackson, however, this could cause some jealousy problems, however, so be careful.
When you have achieved that, slide the enclosed ring on his finger and don’t forget to send us a copy of the wedding certificate to add to our archives.

[sybl]

I still don't have any Cillian bars

[DYSE]

Aww. I will give you one. Hah. :]

[Suzanne]

sybl said:

I still don't have any Cillian bars

I just gave you one sybl, don't cry.