Family Eye

[Pukkina]

Family Eye
By Rebekah White


Characters

Stewie Griffin....as Jackson Rippner
Rachel McAdams....as Lisa Reisert
Peter Griffin....as Joe Reisert
Lois Griffin...as the annoying airport flirt
Meg Griffin....as Cynthia
Chris Griffin...as Headphone Kid
Brian Griffin....as the pissed off airport guy
Suzie Plakson....as Senior Flight Attendant
Monica McSwain...as Junior Flight Attendant
Angela Paton...as the nice old lady
Jack Scalia...as Charles Keefe
Brittney Oaks....as Rebecca
Robert Pine...as Bob Taylor

Prologue

As Rachel McAdams moved yet again, Cillian Murphy’s head connected with hers. He cursed and stood up abruptly, massaging his sore skull. The sixth time, and she still couldn’t get it right!
“That’s it!” he shouted. “I can’t do this anymore!”
“What?” Wes Craven jumped up from his chair and ran to Cillian’s side. “What do you mean?”
Cillian angrily thrust his script at Wes as Rachel looked on with worry. “I’m out! I quit! I can’t work with this woman!”
“Excuse me?” she was soon at Wes’s side, hand on hip. “What about you, you girly Irish waste of skin? You’re not exactly George Clooney, you know!”
“I have much better things I could be doing than this waste of time project!” Cillian screamed.
“Just go pluck your eyebrows so you can go play in your stupid tranny movie,” Rachel said in disgust, turning on her heel. Cillian glowered after her for a moment, then stormed off the set. Wes and a few other cast/ crew members shouted after him with despair, but he didn’t listen, wiping the trickle of blood from his forehead as he slammed out to his car. Wes finally sighed and returned to Rachel.
“Now what?” he sighed. “I’m not going to give up on this production just because of our little diva in training. We need to find a new lead.”
“I agree,” Rachel chewed her lip, deep in thought. “We need someone talented, but workable....someone...with experience....”
“A manly someone,” Wes thought. “Someone who isn’t afraid of aggression.”
“I think I might have an idea....he’s a new guy. One movie, lots of tv....”
“You thinking who I’m thinking?”
“I think so, Wes.”

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“I don’t think so,” twenty-five-year old Stewie Griffin shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I was in The Untold Story so long ago....”
“Please,” Wes begged. “You’re so amazing. I love the show!”
“Thank you,” Stewie acknowledged him coldly. “But I don’t know if I want to take the place of a girly man.”
“The character isn’t a girly man,” Wes insisted. “He’s a murderer.” Stewie leapt up in his seat.
“A murderer!” he shrieked. “Well, why didn’t you say so? I thought we were filming a commercial for eye drops! I’d love to take the part! I actually have a bit of experience.”
Wes shifted his eyes nervously, but jumped up alongside the still bald Stewie, the evil genius who had dominated Wes’s tv set when Stewie was an infant.
“Thank you! This will not be a waste of your time, sir, I assure you.”
“Wait. I have one condition.”

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The theater of the premiere’s lights dimmed considerably, leaving Stewie sitting with his family in an excited family.
“I can’t believe how much pull you got into this movie!” Lois shrieked. Stewie glared at her. “Getting us into it, and changing the lines to suit your mood! Thaaat’s my boy!”
“GET OFF ME, WOMAN!” he shouted, prying her arm off him. The movie began playing, much to his relief, and he settled back to watch.

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Author’s Note-Now, my dears, keep something in mind while reading this. A-I’ve never written a comedic Red Eye parody before, so if its not all that funny, I apologize. B-It may be confusing. I know. And I’m sorry. C-This written purely out of boredom, and my best friends obsession with Family Guy merging with my own obsession with Red Eye. I am under the influence. Of...Benadryl. Very sorry. D-I hope you like it and it will get more exciting. I hope.....

[happiebunnie]

OMG...

*is cracking up*

"I thought it was a commerical for eye drops!" LMAO!

Ahh, this is going to be terribly amusing I can see it right now!!

[Pukkina]

Thanks so much! Here are the next two!

Scene One

Evil Monkey grabs the missile from the box of fish. Evil Monkey thrusts it into the truck, knocking out the guy waiting to catch it. Evil Monkey laughs and smiles evilly with his teeth. Evil Monkey scampers away.

Evil Monkey runs to a random house. Evil Monkey steals a guys wallet. The guy obviously doesn’t realize that there is a monkey in his house. Evil Monkey proceeds to open an envelope and throw everything away, including credit cards (after all what use does an Evil Monkey have for money?) And keep only a girl’s graduation picture. Evil Monkey then runs off screen.

Scene Two
“Give us our room,” the Taylors insist menacingly.
“Oh my God,” Cynthia gushes, clasping an excited hand to her dark brown head. “Are-are you-talking to me?”
“No,” Marianne rolls her eyes. “We’re talking to the other moronic fugly woman behind you. Now give us our room before we call corporate.”
“Okay, okay, okay,” Cynthia takes a deep breath and dials Lisa’s number.
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“Dallas drivers,” the cab driver curses as a car cuts out ahead of them in the pouring rain. “Who taught you to drive, Stevie Wonder?” Then he turns to the pretty brunette behind him. “Don’t worry. You’ll still catch your plane. You’ve got, uh...”
“Ten minutes, you crapbag,” Lisa responds loudly as her phone rings. “Lisa Reisert.”
“Lisa, I know I’m not supposed to call you, but I’m stupid and I screwed up again,” Cynthia cries hurriedly.
“Calm down,” Lisa interrupts Cynthia’s panic attack. “What’s the problem and tell me quickly so I can get out of this car that smells like something died in it?”
“Bob and Marianne Taylor,” Cynthia flashes a quick smile at the disgruntled hotel customers in front of her.
“Yep. They’re regulars. Couple of pricks but they pay me lots of money and money makes me happy. So does cake. But I’m on Atkins and I can’t get cake. So money is my happy-maker.”
“Did I mention I have a confirmed reservation? I downloaded it off the Internet myself.”
“While you were downloading porn?” Cynthia blurts, and catches herself. “Um. Scratch that. Lisa?”
“Sorry. Anyway, type in my PIN and give them one of the rooms that is reserved for when dumb employees like you screw up.”
“Okay.” Cynthia quickly completes the task and sends the disgruntled Taylors on their way. “Oh my god, they are such arseholes.”
“Yes, they are, but I have to tell you that they aren’t because otherwise I could lose my job and the pretty pretty money. Anything else?” Lisa quickly paid the cabbie and stepped into the rain.
“Um....” Cynthia rambles on a bit more as Lisa strolls inside the terminal. And then with a shocked tone, she gasps, “Oh my god.”
“Tell me.”
“Security just left a message saying the Charles Keefe party will be arriving at five thirty am instead of pm...”
“That’s not unusual. They come all the time and trash the lobby. It really pisses me off but they give us a good rep by coming with their big shiny guns. Now I have to go because my uber-annoying dad is on the other line.”
“Wait! What do I do? I’m helpless, ditzy, and attention-starved, remember?”
“Oh yeah. Um...just make sure the Cristal on ice is in his room 3825. Keefe’s an alky. Oh, and give him those really big cigars. Smoking kills but he wouldn’t listen to me last time I yelled at him. So don’t bother telling him again. Bye.”
“Bye.”
Lisa answers her phone again. “Hi, Dad, I’m sorry.”
“It’s no problem sweetie,” her father Joe says.
“So what are you up to?”
“Just gearing up for another night of TV.”
“Oh, cool. Comedy marathon?”
“No. Jerry Springer.”
“Oh,” Lisa responded as he belched loudly.
“Dad, ew.”
“Aw, come on, honey. You should be attracted to it. After all Dr. Phil says that belching is the key to a woman’s heart. Oh, by the way, you finish that book I gave you?”
“Uh...almost,” Lisa rolls her eyes as she strolls up to the timeboard. “Isn’t he from Texas?”
“Yeah. Didn’t think shrinks came from there.”
“Who did you think came from there?”
“Like gay cowboys. Jake Gyllenhaal, the usual.”
“No. He just moved to California and started a tv show. How’s the remodeling going?”
“Pretty good. Well, kind of. I’m doing it all by myself after I caught one of them stealing my wallet. He didn’t give it back though. Oh, well. He kind of looked like a monkey.”
“Oh. Okay. Touch my room and die, arsehole.”
“Of course, sweetie. You never know when you’ll want to come home. So how’s your mom holding up?”
“As good as can be expected. Well, kind of. She threw herself off a cliff after the funeral, but you know, she’ll get over it.”
“I see. Well, I don’t really care about her anyway. But how are you? How are you holding up?”
“I’m fine. Now go f*ck yourself.”
“Okay.”
“Dad, I wasn’t serious.”
“Oh. You sure you don’t need a pickup?”
“Thought the construction worker who looked like a monkey stole your wallet?”
“Please, it’s just five minutes. Even when I’m wasted.”
“I’ll be fine. I’m taking the Red Eye. It’s the last flight out and I hope I don’t sit next to a terrorist or something. It’ll be way too late. I love you.”
“I love you too, sweetie. Bye.”
Lisa shuts her phone and looks up at the screen. She moans as she realizes that her flight is delayed.