In statu nascendi (ch.39 up) - sequel to ATTFABH

[fosforito]

finally it´s ready.. chapter 37!!

hope you´ll like it!

Chapter 37 (Thoughts and feelings)

Alexandra needed a couple of minutes to regain her composure again.

Jonathan was holding her in his arms all the time and kissed her hair and her forehead in-between.

How relieved he was now to finally tell her everything! He had kept it to himself for so many years. No one knowing him personally ever got to know of it all – of the scratched heart, of his anual ritual to come back to Cuesta Verde to remember everything. Everything what was ripping him into a thousand pieces inside. But Jonathan now realized, how much he had needed it to remember everything over and over again over the years. This was something, Scarecrow couldn´t take away from him. It was one of the few things remaining of Jonathan Crane – the ability to feel, the ability to love, the ability to be just human. Jonathan had believed for a long time, he would have lost these abilities, but Alexandra´s reaction had shown him, he was wrong.

In spite of Scarecrow, he still was a human being, having his own thoughts and feelings – somebody, who was still able to love. Und finally he could tell it to the person he loved the most – and no one, no one would ever take this away from him, not even Scarecrow.

Jonathan gazed at Alexandra and wiped softly her tears out of her face.

„What do you think about a warm tea and something to eat?", he asked in a soft voice.

It was late noon already and Alexandra and Jonathan just had a bagel on their way to Cuesta Verde. Maybe they would talk about a few things more while having lunch – also, if Alexandra was engaged to another man in another way, if she was feeling the same for him he was feeling for her.

Alexandra agreed and Jonathan placed her arm around her when both walked over the place back to the beach promenade.

Jonathan knew a good restaurant close by and both decided to eat some fish and seafood there.

This year´s October was a wonderful month with a lot of sunshine but though, it was cooler at the coast than in Gotham and the tea helped Jonathan and Alexandra to warm up a bit while they were waiting for the food.

"Can I ask you something?", Jonathan said and placed his teacup on the table while Alexandra tried to warm up her fingers at her cup.

She looked up to him.

"Now you know what I feel for you and now you know too, there´s no other woman in my life.", Jonathan said softly. "But I still don´t know, if you´re engaged, Alex.. is there another man in your life?"

For a split second, Alexandra was thinking of Henri Ducard.

"No, Jonathan. There is no one else.", Alexandra responded in a firm voice and gazed into Jonathan´s eyes. "But there was someone who helped me getting through a hard time. I have been very sick and this man had saved me."

`You might think whatever about Henri Ducard now, but you owe him your life.´, flashed through Alexandra´s mind. `But you should keep in mind, what price you have paid for that. The price was the loss of your soul. You´re quits with him and you don´t owe anything to Henri Ducard, Alex.´

Jonathan gazed at Alexandra for a moment.

"Would you tell me about it, Alex?", he asked. "I know, it might not be the right place for it now.. but I want to know, where you have been all the time."

Alexandra lowered his gaze, placed her cup on the table and took a deep breath.

"You won´t like what I´ll tell you now, Jonathan.", Alexandra said and gazed into his eyes.

Jonathan propped his temple with his hand and looked into Alexandra eyes while she started to tell him about her past.

She told him, how she was travelling from one country to the other, how she started to steal and to cheat. She told him about the drugs she had taken and what all she had done to get them.

Jonathan touched Alexandra´s hand, while his other hand was still resting at his temple. He didn´t say a word all the time and he paid attention to Alexandra, telling him in a low voice of the men, she had gone to bed with if she could gain an avantage out of it in any way. He still didn´t let go of her hand, not even when the waiter served their food and a bottle of white wine.

She told him of her serious desease and of the man who took care of her, who helped her to get rid off the drugs, who saved her life. Alexandra told Jonathan everything that happened to her - but she avoided to mention her family or her time in Germany. She avoided to talk about the hatred she had felt for Jonathan not so long ago. She avoided to talk about the true identity of the man who has saved her or about the price she had paid for her rescue – to become an assassin and to lose the rest of goodness inside her.

Jonathan tried not to show anything but inside he was crying about what Alexandra was telling him and all thoughts and feelings he had had yesterday in his office at Arkham and last night, came to light again. He had hurt her so much, he had hurt them so much.

Jonathan realized, it was not only Mrs. Wentzler´s life and Martin´s life Scarecrow had destroyed, but it was also his own life as well as Alexandra´s being destroyed because of his guilt. He had allowed Scarecrow to make his butcher out of him, he had the blood of her and also of his family on his hands and no one would free him from this guilt, not even Alexandra. No medicine would heal his guilt, no priest would give the absolution to Jonathan, washing his sins away.

He would live all his life with this guilt and the only thing now remaining to Jonathan was to try to make good some of what he has done – to be there for Alexandra, to be there for both, to fight for their love – and to fight Scarecrow, to destroy the destroyer.

Jonathan snapped out of his thoughts when he could hear Alexandra´s voice again.

„I´m not the same person I was before, Jonathan.", Alexandra said in a low voice and looked at him sadly. „If I would be 16, if I would be 17, if I wouldn´t have left Gotham.. but.. look at me now.."

`How can you still love me – after all this?´, Alexandra thought and she could feel her heart getting heavy. `I am a wreck, Jonathan. Maybe we both are wrecks, but at least you still have a life, you have a basis, you have your profession and you´re recognized in what you´re doing... but what do I have?´

Jonathan pressed Alexandra´s hand and for a split second he believed to know what she was thinking right now. He gazed deeply into her blue-grey eyes, hoping his words would reach the depths of her hurt soul.

„I haven´t done anything else since you´re back in my life again, Alex.", he whispered softly. „And whoever this guy was, I´m just thankful for the fact, he saved your life – because he has brought you back to me.“

Jonathan realized, what gift was granted to them. Now they had a chance to start a new life. Now they had a chance to be there for each other and to help each other. Now they had a chance to find some luck and happiness together, to find something they had lost such a long time ago.

They got a second chance now – and Jonathan swore to himself, this time, he would do everything to use this chance.

[azina]

This was such a beautiful chapter and also you realize the depth of pain they both have suffered. Jonathan realizes how much he's hurt Alex and he feels that guilt and how inadvertantly he set her on such a painful path. I can imagine how difficult this was for him to hear of Alex's past, not because he blamed her because he realized he also set her down this road. But in this way it's almost like they're beginning anew by their mutual confessions so they're able to start afresh with their relationship. Excellent work!

[blue-eyed struck]

what a powerful chapter! At least a big part of her life is now revealed to him. One less secret I suppose. It was heartbreaking to see Alex still have insecurities about how Jonathan would feel towards her because, as Azina said, Jonathan was the one who ultimately set her on this path. But then, it was sweet to see him reassure her and be so understanding. I'm starting to see more and more that they're both trying to seek acceptance, forgiveness, and a sort of redemption from eachother. I also loved the last line of this chapter. Great chapter! *CB*

[beyond_beautiful]

Wow, they really have gone through a lot.

I loved this chapter.

[chiariah]

Wow... it was a very powerful chapter..i love the way you write engaging the reader in all the suspense.. to read more..!! great chapter..!

[fosforito]

awww.. again thank you very much for your nice comments

here´s chapter 38 for you, ladies!!

hope you´ll like it and again, thank you to Azina for proof-reading!

please don´t be surprised if I don´t respond directly as I´ll be away from tomorrow till Tuesday.

So I wish you all a nice and relaxing weekend and have fun with the new chapter

Chapter 38 (Plans for the future)


While Jonathan and Alexandra had their lunch, they didn´t talk anymore about what has been said before. They started to talk about the good food and the nice, but cool weather in Cuesta Verde.

It was as if both would think about what they got to know from each other today. This all was too heavy for a light, cheerful conversation while having lunch. Jonathan and Alexandra smiled at each other while sipping at their glasses of wine – like a couple having their first date but they just could imagine from each other what actually was going on in their minds.

Jonathan helped Alexandra gentleman-like to put on her coat and he kept the door open for her after they had paid the bill and left the restaurant. A group of children shot by when they stepped out on the beach promenade and both started for a split second, but Alexandra just smiled and took Jonathan´s arm.

Slowly they walked along the beach promenade and the dark heavy Bankhirai wood creaked lightly under their feet. The salty air of the sea was cool, but refreshing at the same time and Jonathan and Alexandra inhaled the air into their lungs as if it was a precious gift. This place was so different than Gotham – so beautiful, so peaceful, so pure, so alive.

“So, what is it exactly, you´re doing professionally, Alex?" Jonathan finally asked and gazed at her while both kept on walking along the beach promenade.

She had told him about her time in Asia during lunch and about her training in traditional Chinese medicine. He wondered, what exactly Alexandra was doing now as it was something completely different, compared to what Alexandra was dealing with in Asia.

“Well.." she started. “As I told you already, it´s a bit difficult to explain."

`For Heaven´s sake, I can´t tell him the truth!´, flashed through Alexandra´s mind. `I can´t tell him I´m an assassin. I can´t tell him that I´m here to observe him – and I can´t tell him, I wanted to kill him not so long ago.´

“I´m a sort of reporter. I´m working for companies like car companies for example. These companies are bringing out new products and my job is to compare these products with them of other companies.. I´m kinda... investigator." she lied.

How bad she felt now, telling Jonathan all these lies – but she didn´t have a choice, at least not now.

“So, you´re doing soft of.. industrial espionage?" Jonathan asked and Alexandra could see a light grin on his face.

“Well.. maybe.. sort of," Alexandra stuttered.

`How stupid this all must sound for him!´, Alexandra thought and gazed over to the sea, Jonathan did the same.

“And you?" Alexandra finally asked, hoping Jonathan wouldn´t ask her about her profession anymore. “Did you want to become an M.D. all the time?"

Jonathan shook his head.

“No.. no. First I started to study biochemistry. But then I realized, it wasn´t the right thing for me, so I started to study medicine.“

“Oh, I see." Alexandra responded and smiled lightly. “Well, I always knew you would make a good doctor. I always told you that."

Jonathan smiled because he knew, Alexandra was now talking of their night in the cabin. He still could remember very well, how he examined her ankle – and he still could remember, what happened afterwards.

Again, they walked over the beach promenade without saying a word and Jonathan was glad; Alexandra didn´t asked him anymore about his years of study. Should he tell her, there had been disciplinary proceedings because Jonathan was doing forbidden animal experiences with substances, which had been available only for the professors of the biochemical unit? Should he tell her, he already was obsessed in his years of study of doing research on fear and the reasons causing fear? Should he tell her, how he had tried through his experiments to find a drug against fear?

It almost bordered on the miraculous Jonathan hadn´t been thrown out of the university. Instead of this, it was suggested to Jonathan to stop his biochemistry studies voluntarily – avoiding this way to get banned from the university. It was still a mystery to Jonathan, how he could ever be admitted to medical studies with this entry in his file – or was it maybe because of Scarecrow, who had his own special way to manipulate people and especially bring the right ones to heel? So tractable that the medical faculty never got to know of Jonathan´s faux pas due to the interference of those people?

“Why don´t you work in the medical area? I mean, with the experiences you have.." Jonathan asked, gazing at Alexandra and for a split second he realized how ironic it was this question coming from him now.

“Jon." she interrupted him. “What are you talking about? I told you, I was trained but I have no certificate, no diploma, no degree. You know, how it is in nowadays. No one hires you without checking your certificates first."

“If the people get to know you were trained in Asia, I´m sure they would hire you with the greatest pleasure. Who would care for a diploma then?" Jonathan said and smiled. “I could talk to some people, I could pull my strings. Maybe you could offer your duties at the hospitals in Gotham, maybe even at Arkham. Even patients with mental diseases have physical troubles, we could even work together. What do you think?"

`Oh Jonathan, don´t think, everything is so easy.´, flashed through Alexandra´s mind.

“I don´t know..." she said in a low voice and sighed lightly.

Indeed, his idea was well-meant and noble but it was naive too – at least this was what Alexandra believed. Compared to her, Jonathan was in a way better position. He was a doctor. He had a good basis and recognition. He could settle down somewhere, having his own consulting room if he would want to – but Alexandra had the feeling of not having a real alternative to her current job. She had no degree, no diploma or certificates she could show to people and everything she would start professionally she would do just because of Jonathan´s interference. She always believed to be free and independent – but now Alexandra realized she was wrong. She always was dependent on somebody, especially on Henri Ducard – and now, if she would accept Jonathan´s offer, she probably would just slip from one dependence into the other.

And besides that, Alexandra wasn´t sure if she wanted to stay in Gotham at all – but of course she was sure! She didn´t want to stay in Gotham; she hated Gotham! She would prefer to go anywhere else to start a new life, maybe a place like Cuesta Verde – and Alexandra wondered if Jonathan would be willing to go with her and give up his job at Arkham. Would he be willing to get rid of his criminal doings? Would he run away with her, willing to live the life of a fugitive, always hiding before Ducard, Carmine Falcone and the police? Or would he be willing to go the legal way, testify against both and leave Gotham as a free man after passing his jailtime?

SuddenlyJonathan stopped, turned round to Alexandra and touched her arms. Alexandra was suprised and gazed into his eyes.

“Alex, I´ll talk to some people." he said in a firm voice. “It´s worth a try and I´m sure we´ll find something for you.. do you agree?"

Alexandra took a deep breath and at this moment she just felt led like lambs to the slaughter.

“Alright then." she responded, sighed and smiled lightly. “As far as I can see it, I can´t change your mind anyway concerning this, can I?"

“Nope." Jonathan said with a big grin on his face and started to move again.

Alexandra felt lousy now but she smiled though – and for a moment she was thinking about the crane she had seen at Gotham River and about the man who told her something about this bird.

Permanent monogamy? Brooding time? Brood the offspring together?

Currently, everything was pointing to the fact that Jonathan had much more in common with the black crowned crane than just the name, the black feathers and the blue eyes – and inside, Alexandra was seized with panic when she was thinking about a serious partnership, marriage and having children.

`Don´t you still get it, that this guy really loves you?´, Alexandra thought and gazed at the wooden ground in front of her while both kept on walking along the beach promenade. `Jonathan never has pushed you under pressure or dictated you in any way. Do you really think, he would start with it now, wanting you to give up your independence just because of having a partnership with you?´

For a short moment, both kept on walking along the beach promenade without saying anything.

“What do you think about something to drink?" Alexandra finally asked, getting herself out of her thoughts.

The fish had been salty and she realized she was getting thirsty now. Alexandra noticed they had passed by a small kiosk not so long ago – and with her question, she also wanted to break up the akward silence between them.

“Oh." he answered lightly surprised. “Yeah.. not a bad idea at all."

“I´ll be right back." Alexandra whispered and kissed Jonathan softly before he could say anything, then she broke away from him and walked back the way of the beach promenade where the kiosk was located.

[§ilvercell]

exellent!

[beyond_beautiful]

Loved it like awlays

[blue-eyed struck]

Industrial Espionage? HAH!

I remember saying in one of my posts here or in one of our chats that Alex should work for Jon. But now I know so much more about both characters, so I dunno if it's a good/bad decision. I guess we'll see. Interesting how the voice inside Alex's head is so encouraging and speaks so nicely of Jonathan. It's completely opposite of what Jon hears inside his head!

*quotes Silvercell* MORE!

[chiariah]

wow... its great..! i can't believe she lied to him after he confessed all his feelings for her..!!

[fosforito]

Hey people!

Thank you for your nice comments

Just got back from visiting my parents over the weekend (.. and to escape from hell called "Carnival" LOL)

Well, I think the lying actually has another function here..

..both know they love each other (although you´re right Ciariah: Jon confessed it, Alex didn´t..at least not yet)m but though there are so many things they know they have to reveal.. but we all know from experience, how difficult this can be.. and just have the amount of stuff in mind, they´re carrying around.. it´s not they have to confess like: "Listen, I stole a sandwich from you" or kinda stuff - you know what I mean?

[fosforito]

finally it´s there!

chapter 39 for you,

hope you´ll like it and again, thank you to Azina for proof-reading!

Have a nice weekend and hope you enjoy the new chapter

Chapter 39 (Adelle)


It was good that Jonathan didn´t insist on going with her, so Alexandra could be alone for a moment and think about his offer.

She could think about what he had suggested, about what this could mean for her future. Alexandra sighed lightly when she noticed a young couple and an elder woman standing in front of the kiosk.

`Good, so I´m getting a couple of minutes´, Alexandra thought and she stepped into the line behind the elder woman, waiting patiently for her turn.

Jonathan gazed after her and when he realized that Alexandra had to wait, he turned around to the wooden balustrade of the beach promenade, propped his arms on it and stared at the sea. He inhaled deeply the salty sea air and his thoughts started to rove.

Jonathan started to think about who of his colleagues he could ask, about which of his business relationships could help to find a job for Alexandra. He noticed Alexandra didn’t feel well about his will to look for a job for her – but he also realized that he wanted to do this not least on his behalf. Jonathan had become aware of how much he had influenced her life with his terrible deed.

Alexandra wasn’t stupid, quite the opposite – she had been a smart young girl and if this damn war wouldn’t have been, she probably would have stayed in Gotham, studying at the university. “Something with languages,” she always said. And she always managed to make Jonathan laugh by imitating different languages and dialects. Probably she would work for a big company today or she would lecture at the university. Jonathan would be director at Arkham – and both still would have their child, maybe even more than one child.

Jonathan couldn’t fool himself. He knew he had deprived Alexandra of a halfway normal life with his deed. The chance to get trained, to graduate, to have a stable basis in life as much as it was possible had been destroyed. Indeed he felt responsible for Alexandra´s career and now he wanted to give her something back, at least a bit of what belonged to her and she deserved to have.

Jonathan was torn from his thoughts when he noticed something pulling jerkily at his coat. He flipped around but he couldn’t see anything. Then he could feel this pulling again and Jonathan looked down at himself. He noticed a little girl standing in front of him – and suddenly he had the feeling, his heart would stop.

The girl was little and delicate, maybe 7 or 8 years old. She had long, dark brown, curly hair and piercing blue eyes, like his own – and her face reminded Jonathan of Alexandra. The girl was the spitting image of her.

Jonathan gasped for air and he wasn’t able to move. He didn’t say a word and stared at the little girl standing in front of him with sparkling eyes.

“Mister, do you want some popcorn?” she finally said in a loud, clear voice and held out the popcorn bag to Jonathan.

Only now, Jonathan was torn out of his lethargy.

The young couple returned to the beach promenade and the elder woman stepped over to the kiosk window, when Alexandra gazed over to Jonathan. She noticed a young girl standing in front of him. Alexandra swallowed and she couldn’t move at all. Spellbound, she stared at the girl and at Jonathan, who now squatted down to her.

“Oh, thank you.” he said in a low voice and gripped into the paper bag to get out some popcorn.

While doing this, he gazed deeply into the girl’s eyes. Her eyes were so full of warmth and goodness as he never had seen it on another person before.

“You have looked so sad, mister.” the little girl finally said and Jonathan could feel her small hand touching his and he believed the wing of an angel touched him – and this angel was the little girl.

“My name is Jonathan.” he said softly and smiled lightly.

“Miss, can I do something for you?” Alexandra could hear a dark male voice saying.

The elder woman in front of her had left the kiosk and the owner looked at Alexandra, ready to take her order.

“Umm.. excuse me.” she said in a low voice and shook her head lightly without looking at the man anymore.

Alexandra made a few steps away from the kiosk and kept on staring at Jonathan and the little girl. They seemed to talk to each other.

“You love her, don´t you?” the little girl asked softly.

Jonathan just looked at the girl, not knowing what to say.

“You don´t have to be sad. She loves you too, you know and she will come back to you – she will come back to you, to you and your sweetheart, Jonathan.” the little girl whispered and smiled.

“What?” Jonathan started in a low voice, but he didn’t come further.

“Adelle!” a young woman shouted. She obviously was the mother of the girl and walked over to Jonathan and her daughter. “Adelle, come on. Don´t bother the young gentleman.”

“Don´t worry, miss.”, Jonathan responded with a light smile on his lips and he gazed up to the young woman. “She didn´t at all.”

“I´m sorry for your inconvenience, sir.” the young woman said blushing and gripped Adelle’s hand. “But sometimes this little girl here can be really pigheaded and she always has to have her way.”

Jonathan gazed into Adelle’s face and he could still see this kind look in her eyes. Softly, his hand touched her cheek.

“You have a beautiful daughter, miss.” Jonathan said softly. “Please take good care of her.”

The young woman didn´t respond but just smiled. Jonathan could feel Adelle pressing his hand lightly before giving the popcorn bag to her mother. Then both started to move.

After a few steps, Adelle turned round to Jonathan.

“Bye Jonathan!” she shouted and waved at him.

“Bye...” Jonathan whispered and he could feel himself trembling.

He gazed after Adelle and he wasn’t able to move.

Alexandra walked over into Jonathan´s direction again and she could feel her heart getting heavier with each step she made. Jonathan rose up again and turned to the girl’s direction. He was standing with Alexandra at his back and for her it was impossible to see his face.

Alexandra noticed how Jonathan gazed after the girl, completely motionless when she came into his reach.

“Jonathan?” she said in a low voice and she could hear her voice trembling when she softly touched his shoulder.

Jonathan turned round slowly - and now Alexandra could see Jonathan was crying and tears were running down his face.

“Oh Jon.” she whispered but her voice died.

Alexandra knew, she didn’t have to say anything anymore. She knew what had happened a minute ago.

She placed her hand around Jonathan´s neck and softly stroked his hair and his neck when he pressed himself against her, sobbing. Then he embraced her firmly and gave free vent to his tears.

[beyond_beautiful]

Aww .... Jonathan crying ... hmmm .. wow ... thats actually really hard to envison

[azina]

Why is it so difficult imagining Jonathan having a heart ... especially when being reminded of the child he has lost?

[azina]

I must say I was very excited about Adelle, but probably not for the reasons you anticipated. You used the word angel and I immediately had the impression, partly from the way she talked to Jon (more adult like than child and how she seemed to know so much about his relationship with Alex) she was somehow connected to Jon and Alex.

So my initial impression was that Adelle was the soul of the lost child (the one Alex miscarried and had been watching over them kind of as a guardian angel). Of course this impression was lost once the mother came to fetch her.